FB post by mcsweeneys.net – Blue Apron Parody (Language alert)

PLEASE FORGIVE US AT BLUE APRON FOR THIS WEEK’S MEALS. WE’VE BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME LATELY  
This box contains the ingredients and recipes for this week’s Blue Apron meals. We know you’ve come to expect a high standard of quality from Blue Apron and normally we are happy to provide you with the best quality recipes and ingredients possible, but look, stuff has been rough for everyone lately and we’re doing our best. Things kind of got away from us this week.
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Scrambled Eggs
Prep Time: 45 seconds

Cook Time: 1 minute

Servings: 2

This is four eggs. We were going to do a whole soufflé thing, but we had a bunch of stressful meetings and then someone turned on CNN in the office kitchen and everyone got kind of depressed. We all kind of wanted to go home early, sit down on the couch with a glass of wine and watch a few Great British Bake Offs before going to bed. Honestly, this could also be fried eggs if you wanted.

Ingredients:
Four eggs
Knick Knacks:

You probably have some kind of cheese somewhere, right? You can throw that in.
Prepare the ingredients:

Crack the eggs into a bowl. Use a fork or a whisk, we didn’t test it, someone really yelled at Claire in customer service over the phone because we forgot the watermelon radish in last week’s bibimbap recipe right after she read an article about cuts to Planned Parenthood ,and she was feeling pretty down so we all took her out to lunch instead.
Using a non-stick pan if you have one, heat some butter or oil, and then just sort of pour the eggs in there. Swish them around a little bit. You’ll know when they’re done because they won’t be liquid anymore — what else do you want us to say? It’s eggs. We were going to research the best technique but we decided to spend the afternoon calling our senators and asking them not to support a ban on Muslims.
Plate the Dish:

Put the eggs on a plate. A clean one if you have it.
Wine Pairings:

Do you have an open bottle of wine in the back of the fridge somewhere? It’s probably fine.
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Rolled Up Deli Turkey With Various Fridge Condiments
Prep Time: 30 seconds

Cook Time: None

Servings: 2

We’re sorry, really. This is just a piece of deli turkey. At this point checking Twitter for the latest news is basically a full-time job so we’re all pretty burnt out. We all just wanted to catch up on the new Pod Save America and just chill for a little while. We took a long walk and Damien from UX pointed out this really beautiful tree outside the office that had just begun to blossom and then wondered out loud if all the trees in our neighborhood will die if Trump does away with the Clean Power Plan. The turkey is organic and nitrate free.
Ingredients:

Four pieces of deli turkey.

Knick Knacks:
You have condiments, right? Mustard? Mayo? An old jar of olives that you’ve been saving because you’re pretty sure olives don’t go bad but not 100 percent sure? Use those.
Prepare the ingredients:

Simply roll up the turkey and stare into the fridge while you try to decide what condiment you’re going to squirt on it, contemplate what will happen if you and your loved ones lose their health coverage. It’s fine if you just put ketchup on it. No one will see you. You are all alone.
Plate the dish: 

If you haven’t already eaten this while you were standing in front of the fridge, go ahead and eat it sitting down while watching the new season of Orange is the New Black. Don’t turn on the news, just stop and give it a break for like 30 minutes.
Wine Pairing: 

3-4 Miller High Lifes
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Some Cereal
Prep Time: 20 seconds
Cook Time: None

Servings: 2

Sometimes we think we’ve got this whole cooking thing down and then sometimes we’re like, why do we even bother we’re the worst at this and everything is just a total mess. We’re all going to our parents’ house for the weekend to just catch up on some sleep. We were going to think of something better than cereal but then Sarah from finance mentioned that she read somewhere there are roughly 32,000 gun deaths per year in the United States and yet the government isn’t doing anything to make it harder to obtain firearms, and we just didn’t feel up to it.
Ingredients:

Cheerios. Maybe. You might also have gotten Honey Bunches of Oats. We ran out of Cheerios.
Knick Knacks:

Just eat it dry, OK?
Prepare the ingredients:

Open cereal bag.
Plate the Dish:

Pour the cereal into a bowl or mug or reach in there and pick out pieces of it while you scan through Twitter, compose a tweet with a joke about Paul Ryan’s vacant, emotionless expression and then delete it because honestly, what’s the point? Go to bed at 9 pm. Wake up at 12 am in a cold sweat, remember Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement and the polar ice caps may melt, leaving much of the US underwater. Eat a few more handfuls. Just shove the shit directly into your mouth.
Wine Pairing:

A shot, oh fuck it, two shots, it’s Thursday. Chase it with half a capful of NyQuil. Go crazy while you still can.
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